| I'm Scared. |
| Feature Blogs - Delusions of Grandeur |
| Written by Christopher |
| Tuesday, 09 March 2010 06:16 |
|
I am in the home of my grandparents in Alabama. For some reason I am in the front yard and my brother Robert and uncle Rob are there too, and they have these digital cameras on tripods. I am not sure what they are shooting. Then they suddenly go inside the house and I am still out in the front yard. They leave these expensive looking cameras just lying out there. For some odd reason they tipped the tripods with the cameras attached, and laid them on their side on the ground. One on the grass and one on the cemented driveway. They just left them there. Why? I walk into the house through the front door. It looks different. The same... just now there are little differences. I haven't seen, been to, or even dreamed of this place since 2003. I am first to admit that I am horrible with keeping in contact with family, so while this home was familiar to me, some things felt changed and not quite what I remembered. As I walk in the door I announce aloud that they left their cameras out front and they may get stolen. They seem to not be bothered by that at all, and say not to even worry about it. I turn and look out the window of the den that faces the driveway; the cameras are still there. I walk into the kitchen. It is that same dim kitchen I remember, it always had poor lighting and I remember it being so small. No one is in there, it is clean and tidy, but very very dim and dark. I walk through and into the dining room. It is lit by the old chandelier that has hung over the dining table for years and years. All the bulbs in working order and shining brightly. My grandmother is sitting at the head of the table as she always would during the day. With her ashtray and cigarettes on one side, TV remote for the TV at the far end of the room, and a game of Solitaire in progress on the table before her. Although, now... She is just sitting there looking at the cards. There is still no sign of my brother or my uncle. Rather than go into the hallway which leads to the back of the house where the rooms are, I walk out the sliding glass door into the back yard. This was always my favorite place to play as a child. This backyard has a huge cement patio that was covered so you could easily be out side in the rain. To the right is my Grandfather's garden where he always grew his own vegetables. In this dream I didn't really look into the garden but I know it's there. No one on the patio. I walk to the left, that leads to the back end of the driveway coming into the back yard and a mysterious utility closet. This closet is the place where my grandfather keeps his tools and projects and many other things I am not aware of. I was never allowed to go in there as a kid, but occasionally when my grandfather was in there he would have the door open I would get a few glimpses of the stuff inside. As I walk by the closet I see that it is open, the door cracked enough to let me see partially what is in there. But still feeling like I did when I was a kid, I respected his privacy and did not enter. I think he was in there. I didn't see him but felt his presence as I passed by the door. I walk down the three steps off the patio and into the grassy/dusty ground of the back yard. There has always been two structures in the backyard. A large garage-like building called "The Shed" by the family which was painted red and had an old basketball hoop on it. I see it now, it is falling apart, in decay and disrepair and the only thing that seems to be keeping it standing is God's will to allow it to stand. The other structure is a smaller aluminum-built storage shed, called "The little shed". This one seemed to not be in as bad shape as the larger building but still looked weathered and aged. I used to play behind the sheds as a kid and even befriended the dog in the adjacent yard behind there. I walk back there and I look through the fence. As I stand there and I whistle for the dog, my grandfather comes up behind me and stands by me. The dog finally comes to the fence and I pet him through the chain link. This is not the dog I remember from the other yard. It is Pee-Wee, a dog that belonged to my grandparents along time ago that lived a long and happy life in the backyard. He died and I remember he was buried in the back far corner of the yard. The family loved Pee-Wee and so he was buried in the yard and the grave was marked. Here he is right in front of me, the same kind, sweet and gentle little black dog I remember from my childhood. I am petting Pee-Wee's head and saying to him as my grandfather stood there with me silently watching, "I have to say good bye now. Because I don't think I will ever see this place again in my life. I am going to miss you." Pee-Wee just looked up at me sweetly and did that thing that dogs do where they lazily blink their eyes and stick their tongue out an inch or two for a second while they are getting affection. The last thing I remember is the person that lives in the house of that yard on the other side of the fence comes and tries to shoo me away from the fence. My grandfather then touches my shoulder and suddenly he is on the other side of the fence in the other yard. He looks at me and then at Pee-Wee. I wake up. I woke up three hours ago. I check my phone for calls and emails. There were several missed calls. Texas, Texas, Alabama, Alabama, Alabama, Alabama. One Text from my brother Robert. One email from my father and step mom. The messages all instruct me to call my mother in Alabama. I am fearing the worst. I get a sinking feeling in my gut. My mother tells me that My grandfather is in the Hospital. The family is there with him. He is slowly slipping away. It started with his gall bladder, then pancreas, next the kidney function drops sharply, and his heart is going. It is a matter of time before they put him on life support and he is no longer running under his own steam as his organs are giving up one by one. My grandparents share one heart. They have been together and in love for decades. When everything in life seemed to disintegrate and fall apart around me or when nothing felt constant or real or hopeful, I would always look to them for hope and security. They were the definition of harmony and teamwork for me. I knew this time would eventually come but I could not help but feel like they will always last forever and how in a life of shifting variables and values they can be the one eternal constant in my life. They never changed. Never Evolved. Never Shifted into a new or different state of existence. Until now. So I sit here and ask myself as I wipe away my tears, "Why did I dream that and how did I dream that?" Now nothing is constant. |
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