What percentage of people that hear The Kink’s song “Lola” still don’t know that in that song, Lola is a man? If you had asked me that question a month ago, I would have said less than 5%. But if my Facebook friend’s are an indicator of the general population’s brainpower, that number is something like 45 to 60%. YES, I’m saying that many of you are stupid. Prove me wrong.
Speaking of my Facebook friends. Can you please, just try, once, to be something other mind numbingly dull? Is it really so difficult to write something interesting? I care not for the fact you had peas and carrots for dinner yesterday. However, if during the course of having those peas and carrots for dinner you got into a knife fight with a Columbian drug lord, I’ll hit the LIKE button.
I dare you watch a movie with subtitles and no explosions.
I saw on the internet the other day that the NYSE allowed the cast of Jersey Shore to ring the opening bell. Really? Really really?
If several of the people you consider “close friends” die of drug and alcohol problems, you seriously need to take a second look at yourself. You are either the reason they are dead, or have so much in common with them that you serve little purpose on the planet. Can you speed up the process and just kill yourself now? You’re most likely just as worthless as your dead friends.
I still think Weird Al is funny more often than he is not, so fuck you!
I fucking hate hate hate hate the word “beau” used in any context. The only thing I like about that word is that it quickly identifies a shitty writer with whom I will never waste time reading again. It’s a stupid word.
And speaking of shitty writing, I gawdamn hate sex puns. When someone calls themselves a “sexpert” I want to know what that person’s lungs look like in the glow of office lights. It’s lazy and unoriginal writing and the idea of weaving non-subtle innuendo into an article about how much cum burns when it lands in your eye is pointless at best.
All puns are stupid!
I once said to someone that some thngs go together like black guys and redheads.
When I wear khaki pants and I go to the restroom, after I urinate I make certain to shove my dick way down inside my pants leg as far as it will go. That way if there is an escaping little bit of piss dribble, the stain will be way to the south of the standard position, and while it is embarrassing, people will at least think I have big dick.
So this happens for some reason. I wake up one day in my Western Washington home, surrounded by mountains on one side and the Puget Sound (it’s part of the ocean, look at a map) on the other. Canada just a few hours drive away, Seattle a stones throw south of me. I wake up, I sit up in bed and I think to myself "I should see how much a plane ticket to Atlanta will be next month so I can go home to South Carolina and visit. That will be good for me." What I should be saying to myself instead is "Pope Hat, you know what sounds good for the next 4 days in a row? Getting traumatized in the testicles with tennis rackets by a bunch of angry wheelchair bound Vietnam Vets." It would equal the same amount of fun and excitement. This place never fails ot disappoint. Why do I torture myself with visits home? I seem to have an internal need to feel like crap and be mind numbingly bored every so often. I was driving from Aiken, SC to Augusta, GA a day ago and I actually had to stop my car, pull into the parking lot of a Bi-Lo (a grocery store, that like Polio, is eliminated in civilized parts of the world), and I had to start writing about how annoyed I was at that moment. I could not hold it in. Allow me throw out a few of the details about the Central Savannah River Area, the CSRA, that pisses me off.
So the trailer for the new Nicolas Cage movie, The Sorcerer's Apprentice, and it makes me want to pay a hobo to push my face into an industrial strength meat grinder. Honestly, it would be less painful than this movie. Have you seen the trailer? Allow me to link it…but be warned, this is like getting linked to Satan’s Herpes Factory on bring your vuvuzela to work day ...
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Can you still read the English language? Cause after I saw him put on the hat, I was incapable of rational thought for about 60 seconds. It makes my head swim that this movie was even made, much less released on anything other than betamax in a third world country that lacks electricity. It’s so bad! It’s so bad that the only way I would see it would be if Nick Cage busted out his world’s worst southern accent, a la Cameron Poe from Con Air, and played the sorcerer with that accent the whole time. Then, and only then, would it have crossed the line into “So bad I must smoke a bowl and see this, like, yesterday, Scoob!” Otherwise, I'll wait the three until it's out of the theater.
With the recent death of the senior Senator from the great state of West Virginia, Mumm-Ra (Democrat), I feel obligated to discuss a bit of politics.Is there a better example of a career politician and could there be a better example of why we need to NOT allow someone to serve in the Senate until they are so old they look more like raisins than people?The man has been out of touch for literally generations.Would you ask you grandfather for advice about setting up your Internet connections?Would ask your Grandfather to regulate the interstates sales commissions on various goods purchased via the world wide web (I know, dead term) and how best to apply those taxes and with whom controlling authority should reside?I would if I wanted my answer to be “Shut up and get me some tapioca.” I would ask my Grandfather those questions.West Virginia has been absentmindedly re-electing one of the original inventors of sand for so long now, it’s boggles the imagination.
Why is this a big deal? Well, this may come as a shock to you, but there has never, ever been a country music artist to come out of the closet in its long, misogynistic, racist, homophobic history. Not once. I know! I am just as not at all shocked as you are. Country music fans are not exactly known for the tolerance and understanding. It’s kind of hard to listen a homosexual Mexican’s argument for inclusiveness when he is being dragged behind a truck. So the fact that someone had the courage to stand up and admit that she is a lesbian is a pretty big deal. In fact, I consider it huge news , but it’s not really making big waves, and I attribute that to the fact it’s Chely Wright (a woman) and not Brad Paisly (a man…I think) who is obviously incredibly gay but will never admit it because his record sales would disappear.
I felt commentary was necessary on this stuff, first because I am guy and this article was obviously written by a woman and needs translating, and # 2, it’s just begging to be ripped apart, and I have the Eye of the Asshole* this morning.So without further ado, I will take all the knowledge I have garnered via Sitcoms (the original wiki-pedia of relationships) and stand up comedians and apply that information to this list.Should be dead on.
He talks you up to all his friends.Friend of Smitten guys asks, “Hey, you still seeing that same girl.She seems cool.”Smitten guy replies, “Yeah!She’s awesome.Licks my balls and everything!Now spot me, I’m pushing 275 this time.”This more or less encapsulates “Talking up.” to guys.
He enjoys doing the most mundane activities with you.If by mundane task you mean watching me beat down some punks on Modern Warfare 2, then hell yeah, let’s ride that train together.
He'd rather talk to you than watch the latest episode of "24"... at least for now.Talk means blowjob, right?I do have to give the writer credit for putting that “for now” part at the end.You will lose out to explosions sooner or later.Most dudes have mastered the art of filtering out chick voice when something more exciting is happening, plus “24” has lots of action sequences where you can pretend to listen and not miss a major plot point.This could work.
He's not afraid to say, "I love you."No man should be afraid of those words.It’s the fastest way to get in the panties without Tequila.
He misses you. Always.I miss my dog.Always.Your point?This one is a double-edged sword.Missing you becomes thinking about you all the time.That becomes obsessing over what you are doing right now.Like Yoda said, “Obsession leads to anger, anger leads to stalking, stalking leads to masturbating outside your bedroom window, and then the cops show up.”Be careful when encouraging such behavior, ladies.
He takes it for granted that you have a future together.Every guy does this.Every dude assumes that his dick is so magical that you will keep coming back over and over and begging to get a taste of it.Heh…taste of it.Went blue on that one, but it’s more or less true.“She can’t get enough of this.” And points to crotch with the handle end of the croquet mallet I happen to be holding.
He goes the extra mile…for the pussy!ZING!But seriously folks…
He can't get over how beautiful you are.This could be true.But ask yourself something; how often do you do it doggystyle?The part he finds beautiful may not be your face. "He says I am the prettiest girl he has ever known." And guys never lie to keep you happy and bent over the kitchen table. Nope...never lie.
He picks you over the boys.The “boys” don’t usually suck my dick.I mean, there was that one time in Tijuana…but it’s not standard.
He's willing to be a total mush.I was originally going to write “all over you face” but that seemed vulgar and not in keeping with the highbrow satire you are accustomed to reading from me.So I’ll just say this; define “mush”!Is that that stupid baby talk, “Cubbzy wubbzy” bullshit that some guys do when they are euphoric on sex?Or do you mean a mushy pet name?“Hey Sugartits!I miss you.”“How is my little Candy-Poon today?”“This is my girl, Karen, but I get to call her Captain Swallows.”
* Eye of the Asshole is kind of like having the Eye of the Tiger, only it’s not a shitty 1980’s buttrock anthem and despite the name, you actually get punched in the face less often.
I grew up in a shitty, shitty little mill town.Of course I didn’t really know how shitty it was until I escaped from it.Retrospect really has a way of encapsulating the shittiness and putting some Tabasco on it.It’s a small mill town in Western South Carolina called Graniteville inside Aiken County.It’s famous for textiles and spitting in the eyes of progress.I’ll spend considerable calories over the course of my life and this blog dogging out Graniteville, Aiken County, and South Carolina, so stand by to stand by.This is just the beginning and a glossy overview.In addition to Graniteville, other population highlights of where I grew up include the towns of Warrenville, Clearwater, Bath (ironic when you meet the residents there), Gloverville, Sodom, Gomorrah, Cracktown, Hooterville, and Burned Pipe Fingers, SC.Collectively known as the Valley, they all beg to be made fun of.The white trash ratio here is simply astronomical.Let me put in terms of the region.For every left turn in NASCAR there is a trailer full of Budweiser swilling yokels fearing change and dark skin tones, and they are liberally using the phrase “Wee doggy!” both because of its exclamatory power, and because of limited vocabularies.
I go in and out of political mode.Some days I am very interested in what those overpaid retards have to say, since I will be footing the bill for their stupidity at some point.And then other days I realize that they just don’t care.
I consider myself middle of the road on most things.I am able to see both the liberal and conservative view point, am capable of taking in both viewpoints, and able to filter out enough of the bullshit from both ends to make a reasonable decision for myself.I also consider myself open minded enough to listen any well-reasoned argument on any subject and will acknowledge the points of the argument, and on occasion maybe ever agree and start re-evaluating my own point of view.I fear people that have immovable opinions.The day I realized all that is the day I knew I could never go into politics.But I will save that rant on what a bunch of unthinking weasels politicians are for the future.I’ll delve further into other political topics in future rants (I know you are looking forward to it).But let’s start with how TAXES!
One thing that I know for sure is that our tax system is fucked up.It’s complicated and unreasonable and too easy to manipulate if you can afford a good lawyer or accountant.I actually endorse an idea called the Fairtax.It’s a tax based on consumption at the retail level, not a tax on income.Read more at www.fairtax.org and make up your own mind.Immediate downside (read this before you click on that link), and I say this in the interest of acknowledging the ‘whom’ that is pushing this; it’s mostly supported by extreme right-wingers!Not “Sarah Palin is my new Jesus” right-wingers, but the “Let’s eliminate the government” right-wingers.(Side note, my fucking god, if Sarah Palin’s rabid retards of the right don’t shut the fuck up, I am going to toss my own neck against a tipped over stool like Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby…she was reading her rhetoric off a note written in her left hand!Middle school cheater style!Have the fucking class to at least have some note cards if the standard GOP bullshit is too much to remember.Allow me to help.Gay marriage is bad cause an old book and some guy with bad hair said so.Drill for more oil now, come up with alternatives later.Ronald Reagan was the 2nd coming of Christ.That should cover it.)But the Fairtax does have some merit, regardless of which extremist concocted it.
ANYWHO, I support the Fairtax for this reason.Hookers would have pay taxes too!My political stance is officially “Tax the Hookers!”Since the Fairtax taxes what you buy, not what you make (legal income gets taxed by the 16th amendment of the constitution, illegal income does not get taxed).I can think of no better reason to support this plan.It’s been put forth to the House of Representatives as H.R. 25, in case you want to look it up.Here, allow me to do the heavy lifting, http://thomas.loc.gov/cgi-bin/query/z?c108:H.R.25 will take you to the Library of Congress site and the proposal before the House of Tards, I mean Representatives.
Will the Fairtax work?Well enough, I think.It’s simple for the person buying stuff, and any trip to Walmart will remind you of how important it is to keep things simple at the retail level.Will it generate as much money for the government as the current tax system?I have no idea, and I kind of fucking hope not.They need to learn to budget this ponderous government within the means we provide, not beyond.Maybe putting those fucks on a diet will be a good thing.So take a look, be objective, tell me what you think!
Ok, try this challenge.Imagine a funky drum beat, circa 1971.Toss in the horns.And the bass, got have that funky bass.Now pick seven to ten random words and write them down, call that column A.Now add the words “baby”, “get back” and “WOOOO” and call that column B.Now put that funky early 70’s music back your melon head and then pick any 3 words from column A and any word from column B.
James Brown would have had a hit single of that song!
“Orange toothpicks drool, GET BACK!”One million sold
“Asian Nightstand Impediment, WOOOOO!”Can’t count how many times that got played on the radio.
“Shoebox Kite Chewer, baby”HUGE hit in Germany
There are no combinations of words in the English language that James Brown could sing and it not become pure gold.Half the songs he is famous for don’t even have verses.It’s a chorus that he sings over and over to the funkiest of funky tunes.And people bought that shit hook, line, and crack rock.
I grew up in James Brown’s hometown, in case you are curious about my qualifications to bash (bash…ha ha.. .he was a wife beater) on the old man. There you go.Now I live in the home town of Kenny Loggins, so suck on that Hall and Oates (I miss you Koko)!
Fucking Kenny Loggins.Now that guy rode a wave of shit right to the top.That really shitty pop rock from the 80’s that is just a blight on all of music.I’m shocked James Brown didn’t hang himself David Carradine style in 1984 after Loggins dropped a WWE worthy flying elbow on the scrotum of music with Footloose.Everything after the Doobie Brothers should be used an example of what music must never again become.
